Humor

Wheres the Buck?

Three men were on a business trip and had to stay in a hotel over night. The price of the room was $30.00, so the men decided to split one room, three ways. Each one paid $10.00. Well after they paid, the manager realized that he overcharged them on their room. The room only cost $25.00, so he gave the bell boy five one dollar bills to give to the three men. On his way up to the room the bell boy was trying to think of a way to split $5.00 three ways. After thinking about it awhile, he decided to keep $2.00 for himself and give each man $1.00 back. Now, if each man (who paid $10) gets $1 back that means they each paid $9.00 ($10 - $1 =3D $9 ). $9.00 multiplied by 3 (because there are three men) equals $27.00 plus the $2.00 the bell boy kept equals $29.00! What happened to the missing dollar?????

Jack Schitt

When someone says You don't know Jack Schitt. Now you'll know the entire story. Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fartiliser magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel The Kneedeep Inn. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced sixchildren. Sadly, their first child Holy Schitt passed away shortly afterbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. They then had two Daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their last child, a son, was namedBull. As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta Schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt. Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Little Schitt. So next time someone says You don't know Jack Schitt, you can say. Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but I know the entire family as well.
Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put Poor Planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Comboys and Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish? The cowboy says, I want to see my horse. The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The indians look at each other, figuring, Typical white man can only think of one thing. The second day, the chief says, What your wish today? The cowboy says, I want to see my horse again. The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring,Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing. The last day comes, and the chief says, This your last wish, white man. What you want? The cowboy says, I want to see my horse again. The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!
Hi,we all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some asscons? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(_! half assed
(!) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_e=3Dmc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
There's this kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. as he walks across the yard he sees the pig and he kicks it. He then sees a chicken and he kicks it too. His mother was watching the whole thing from the kitchen window says to him when he comes in. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for a whole week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs for a whole week. Just then his father comes home. He's also in a bad mood and he kicks the cat. The boy asks his mother Do you want to tell him or should I?
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to pick up a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals seven days a week and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. Fair enough, says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic. On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. Honey, he says, we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had heart-to-heart talk. What the heck is in that trunk? The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. I don't care, he tells her. After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this trunk! So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $25,000 in cash. The man shouts in surprise, What's going on here? Where did all of this come from? Well, sweetie, replies the wife, you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk. The husband could not believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, Alright, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three ears of corn in 25 years. But where did all the money come from? Well, she replied, Whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the cop: How come you don't stop them?! Well, that's a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains to religion. So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.
A guy went to a grocery store and asked the clerk behind the counter for 2 cans of dog food. Do you have a dog? asked the clerk. Yes, I do, replied the puzzled customer. I'm sorry, sir, the clerk replied, but you're going to have to prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you the dog food. The frustrated customer went home to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way to the store. Here's my dog! said the tired customer. Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of dog food. Two days later, the same guy returned to the same store. He went up to the same clerk and asked for 2 cans of cat food. Do you have a cat, sir? Of course, I do! said the exasperated customer. I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you the cat food. The guy stormed out of the store, went home, grabbed his cat, dragged it to the store and held the cat by its tail for the clerk to see. Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of cat food. The very next day, the guy returned to the store with a white shoebox with a small hole on its cover. He approached the clerk and placed the shoe box on the counter. Yes, sir, asked the clerk, What can I do for you? Put your finger in the hole, ordered the guy. I beg your pardon? asked the clerk. Just do as I said. It won't bite. Cautiously the clerk put his finger in the hole. Pull your finger out and tell me what it looks like, said the guy. The clerk pulled out his finger and exclaimed, It looks like shit! YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT. Now give me 2 rolls of toilet paper.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So, next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.